The road to come back
by sar0111
Summary: This is about Sam going through a hard time. He and Andy are not together and he doesn't know how to be the old Sam again, a lot has changed in him. Andy wants to help but doesn't know how.
1. What is happening

**A.N/ Hello, so, I wrote this one two weeks ago, it's kind of sad at the beginning but thig's will get better. I have another chapter almost ready, and I'll post it as soon as I can.**

**Sorry for any mistakes, PM me if there is something bothering you in this history. Thank you**

* * *

Two months. That's how long it's been since Sam left me there, standing alone in the rain. Since then, I've been through some phases such as denial, anger, bitterness and I the most expected one…acceptance. I know I'm never going to be completely over Sam, we had the kind of love that only happens once in your life, I still suffer when I think about all the good things we did together, but I can't stop living my life just because I was dumped, I still have a job to do and great friends by my side, that's all I need now.

It also helps that Sam is barely around anymore, actually, thinking about it, he is NEVER around, the last time I saw him was three weeks ago when he showed up at my door wanting to talk

* * *

_August 1st_

_Shift had been pretty busy for everybody and Andy had decided to skip The Penny, she just needed a hot shower and her bed, nothing else. So she got home, prepared a chicken soup, watched the news and then spent almost thirty minutes under the hot water washing the day's events away. She was already making her way to bed when there was a soft knock at the door._

_Andy huffed annoyed when she looked through the magic eye and saw Sam standing there, he was the last person she wanted to see._

_"What?" she spat_

_Sam didn't say anything and Andy took the opportunity to take in his appearance, she noticed that he smelled like scotch, his hair and clothes were soaked, indicating that he had been under the pouring rain for quite a long time, his eyes were red, probably from all the drinking and they were unfocused, darting from the wall to the ground and then to her repeatedly, but Andy didn't care if he looked bad, she was kinda glad that he wasn't doing so well_

_"What, Sam?" she asked again, annoyed at his lack of communication._

_Andy just wanted to get this over with and crawl into her comfy bed_

_Sam was struggling to find words, he opened and closed his mouth a couple of times but nothing coherent came out, just a "I…hmmmm…I need…to…to….hmmm….can you…"it even looked like he was frustrated with himself for not finding the words he wanted_

_Andy rolled her eyes and shook her head, she didn't have the energy to do this tonight, or ever "Just…don't say anything, go away"_

_Sam nodded and moved his gaze that was previously on the floor to Andy's eyes, he smiled and turned around, slowly walking down the hall._

_Andy watched him go away and noticed how shaky his legs were and how he held the handrail for support, it was unusual and strange, just like the smile he had given her minutes ago, it wasn't really a smile, it was the most bitter and fake smirk she had ever seen, Sam used to show it to the bad guys, never had she expected to be the one receiving it and that hurt, she felt the need to run after him and demand to know what was going on, but then she remembered how mad she was and closed the door with more force than necessary_

* * *

"McNally, lunch time, I can hear my stomach screaming" Oliver said, getting my attention

I couldn't help but chuckle "It's always screaming" I said, mocking Oliver's appetite, no matter what time it was, there was a sandwich in his hands ready to be devoured

He looked at me widening his eyes comically and placing a hand on his chest, feigning hurt "You are going to pay for that, rookie"

Yeah, well, probably something involving paperwork, just like Sam used to do to me when I couldn't keep my mouth shut.

Sam

I avoided thinking about him because I knew that every time I thought about that man, all the great moments we had together would come back haunting me and then I would feel miserable

I guess Oliver noticed that I was lost in my own world because next thing I know, he has a hand on my shoulder and his eyes are kind of inspecting me

"Are you ok?" he asks

I smile a little and nod "Yeah, just thinking about…" I let the sentence unfinished because I know he knows what I'm talking about, he turns his head and looking through the window mutters something that looks like "so am I, so am I"

And I find that really strange, Sam and Oliver are best friends, they play poker, drink beer and see each other every day, don't they? Another thing that gets me worried is the tone Oliver uses, it's like he is worried maybe? But I don't want to ask him what's going on, it won't do me any good, but then, there is a part of me that really wants to know what's happening, so I hear myself asking "Why's that?"

Oliver looks at me surprised, like he didn't mean to say his thoughts out loud "A man can't think about his brother anymore?"

If it wasn't for our long term friendship, I would have bought his lie, but I don't

"Oliver…"

And all of a sudden, the atmosphere changes, I can feel it and I don't like it "Andy, drop it please, let's just…focus on the food"

The rest of the day goes by pretty fast and I don't have time to think about what happened early, it's when the shift ends that my mind betrays me again and I caught myself waiting for Sam in front of the man's locker room. If he wasn't on my shift then he has to be on the night shift, right? Wrong, he isn't, after everybody from the other shift walks out, I made my way to his locker to see if his stuff are there, they aren't, but I notice that his locker door has been punched recently

Next stop is his house, the truck isn't there and the lights are out but I knock either way. I don't know what I'm going to say once he opens the door, IF he opens the door and I try to remember what the hell I am doing in his porch and I can't remember why. Maybe it's a good thing that he's not at home, it prevents me from making a fool of myself, so I go away and try to focus on something else, something that's not tall, handsome, with dark eyes… Nop, not going there Andy

* * *

Next day I'm early to parade- which is rare- so I decide to grab a cup of coffee to start my day with the right foot

I'm on my way to the coffee machine when I see Oliver and Noelle having what seems to be an argument, and even though they are whispering I hear Sam's name being thrown in the middle of their fight. Not that I wanted to hear what they were talking about, not at all…nop, not even just a little, ok, maybe a little and that's why I hid behind a wall

"You know that's wrong" Noelle says, looking from side to side to make sure nobody is listening

Oliver takes a deep breath and shakes his head "I don't know anymore"

From where I stand, I can see Noelle's face and she shoots Oliver a sympathetic look, like she understands what he is talking about

"Oliver, he is a grown man and he knows what he is doing" she tries to reason poorly

Apparently Oliver doesn't buy it "Does he? He didn't even tell us Noelle! We had to hear it from Joshua"

It looks like they are getting nowhere with this and I'm starting to doubt that I'll understand what they are talking about, I contemplate about leaving because this is none of my business, but when I hear my name being mentioned, I change my mind

"I know, and that's why we can't tell McNally, he wouldn't want that, think about it Oliver. They aren't even together anymore, I even think she hates him right now" Noelle says

Hate? No, I don't hate him per say, I do hate what he did to me, to us and to our relationship, but hate him? Never

A silence falls over them but I can see they aren't done whit this, so after a few moments, when they are about to say something else, a group of Officers interrupts their internal discussion and they decide to leave things as they are

"This is not over yet, talk to you after shift" Oliver says when they are walking to parade

* * *

Like most of the days, I'm partnered with Oliver again, and I don't know if it's a good thing or a bad thing, because knowing me and my big mouth, I'm pretty sure I won't be able to hid from him that I heard his chat with Noelle this morning and I also know that I'm not going to rest until somebody tells me what's going on, because last thing I checked, my name was being thrown around too, so I deserve to know, don't I?

Not that I care if Sam is in trouble for breaking some stupid rule again- because probably that's what this is all about- because no. I. Don't. Care. Not even just a little. Don't give a damn about it. No. His problem is his problem. So yeah, I just want to know for pure curiosity. Nothing to do with the fact that for the last two days all I can thing about is Sam. Oh damn, who am I kidding? I care. I care too much and that is my soft spot.

"With all the thinking you are doing, I'm sure you will fry your neurons McNally" Oliver tells me when we stop at a diner to buy muffins.

And well, I decide I'm not going to postpone what I want to ask "I heard you and Noelle today. Care to explain what's happening?"

I know I sound demanding and a little harsh maybe, but gee, I'm tired of this. So Oliver drops the bag he is holding and looks at me like I am from another world, I notice him thinking about what to do and he looks indecisive, I raise my brows, waiting for him to do something and he motions to an empty booth.

"What exactly did you hear McNally?" he asks before we start

"Almost everything, you saying he doesn't know what he is doing and how Noelle thinks I hate him…" I say, remembering pieces of their chat

"Yeah, well…Sam's got a problem and he is not dealing with it very well, he didn't told anybody what happened, not even me. I had to find out from a friend of ours" Oliver tries to explain to me and I can see he is a little nervous, like he doesn't know if what he is doing is right

Honestly, I'm tired of Sam's crap, he is a grown man but when it comes to dealing with problems he acts like an immature child "He is an idiot, that's what he is. If he can't trust a friend like you to help him go through hard times, then he is an ass" I say angrily

Oliver shakes his head "I just…don't know what he is doing, I haven't heard of him for three weeks"

So it isn't just me that haven't seen him around for three weeks. Well, you know what, if the guy wants to be alone, shut everybody from his life and behaves like he is a five year old that didn't get a Christmas gift, so be it, I'm not going to run after him like he is some kind of lost baby, he clearly doesn't want help.

But wait, why were Oliver and Noelle talking about me?

"So, what do I have to do with this mess?" I ask a little lost

"Well, we thought you could help, maybe he would talk to you if you tried"

I think for a moment and then shake my head "Not going to happen, if he wanted my help then he would have come looking for it, I tried to help him once when Jerry died and that didn't work, so…I'm sorry Oliver, I'm not going to do this, 'im tired of this, done"

Oliver doesn't look surprised, I think he expected this from me "that's ok, I just wish he comes back"

Come back? from where? and I remember that Oliver still haven't told me what's Swarek's problem, and righ now I'm not so sure I want to know anymore, it's just...but I wask anyway "You still haven't said what happened"

His mouth opens and then closes, he looks to his hands and then back up at me, plays with his ring and thinks... I fell a shiver running through my body and he struggles to talk "August 1st…Sarah died"

_OH CRAP_!

**Ok, that's it. Thanks for reading it and review, or don't... =]**


	2. Then he left

_**A.N/ Hello everybody, here is chapter two. I know it's not long, but I promisse the next one will be posted soon. I'm almost done with it.**_

_** I want to thank everybody for your reviews and followings, thanks guys, that is great.**_

_**Hope you enjoy this**_

_OH CRAP!_

Crap crap crap, a hundred times C-R-A-P

I can feel my whole body being paralyzed, because if I remember correctly- which I'm pretty sure I do- Sarah is Sam's sister. Was. Was Sam's sister. We talked about her a couple of times, he told me how close they were- even being two hours away- and how he wouldn't change a single thing about her because she was the only family he had. The only one literally. Ando now, well, now there is no one left

And every bad thing I just said about him makes no sense anymore. Then I remember something else, and shame…or is it guilt? Overtakes me. August 1st. Sam did look for me, he came to my condo and well, I guess I didn't listen to him. No. I'm certain that I sent him away before he could say something. CRAP. He looked bad

"H-h-how?" I manage to say, even though I don't recognize my own voice

"CVA"

Great, just…G-R-E-A-T. Like losing Jerry wasn't hard enough for him. Or for everybody. Now this. I curse silently over and over again. And I feel so, sooo guilty for closing the door on his face. I mean, he didn't tell Noelle or Oliver but he came looking for my support. ME. And I know, 100% sure, that if the roles were inverse Sam would have opened his door, offered me something to drink and would have listened to what I had to say, even if I was the last person he wanted to see, I know that's what he would do. It's Sam for Christ's sake, he would never turn his back on me if I needed help. And all that just makes me feel the most horrible person in the world. Seriously, if there was an award for that, no doubt I would win it

"What can I do to help?" I ask, because that's the least I can do

Oliver rubs a hand over his face and shrugs "Don't know. I've been asking myself that same question and the truth is that I have no idea. Shame, right? His best friend doesn't know what to do to help"

I can see the frustration written all over his face and it breaks my heart, because it isn't Oliver's fault, he has been nothing but a good friend to all of us

"And you know what's worse?" he asks me, laughing bitterly

I shake my head negatively because I can't think about anything else, I thought it couldn't get worse, could it?

He continues "I've heard around the station that Sam is going undercover again. But I think this time if he does, he won't be back"

WOW, just WOW. Wait wait wait. What is he talking about? Sam not coming back? What the…

And looks like Oliver understands what I'm thinking, because he answers my silent question

"I don't mean that he will end up dead, he is too damn smart to get himself killed, but you know how people can get lost in this world…Sammy has talked about it once or twice, if you don't have a good head, there is no way you can come back in one piece, like…you experience some things that can screw your mind in every single way possible…you understand what I'm talking about, don't you?"

* * *

_Sam walked into the living room and found Andy looking out the window wearing nothing but an old shirt he had given her. Given wasn't exactly the word since Andy had pretty much stolen it, but Sam didn't mind, he found it pretty amazing to be honest._

"_What are you doing?" he asked, pulling her flush against his back and dropping a kiss on her shoulder_

"_Do you think about going undercover again?" Andy asked bluntly, it was something that had been crossing her mind lately and she had to know _

_Sam thought for a moment about her question, if he said no, he would be lying, of course he did, undercover work was what kept him going, it was what he was good at and it was a huge opportunity to help people, but lately he didn't think about it as much as he used to, mainly because he was happy with his life, he couldn't just wake up and leave Andy behind, after everything they went through, it wouldn't be fair to any of them, and there was his sister too, she was constantly nagging him to settle down_

"_Sometimes, but to be honest I don't see myself deep undercover anymore, maybe some stings, but nothing like I used to do, you know…I'm getting old" Sam said, joking a little at the end to lighten the mood_

_Andy smiled and turned to look at him "You really are, I might have seen a couple of gray hairs while you were sleeping" she playfully pulled a gray hair out of his head and showed him_

"_Those are all on you McNally" _

"_Yeah yeah, I know…trouble magnet and all" she wavered her hand, dismissing his lecture about how she worried the crap out of him because she couldn't stay out of trouble_

_They stayed in silence for a moment just looking at each other, it was one of Sam's favorite things to do, he could spend a whole day looking at Andy, just looking, no talking, but of course, Andy was allergic to silence_

"_What's the hardest thing about being undercover?" she asked, breaking their staring contest_

_Sam sighed, Gee, the woman just couldn't stay quiet, could she? "when you stay undercover for too long it's hard to remember who you really are, and sometimes, you have to do some things to survive that…well…can knock you down"_

"_Like what?" Andy asked, it was something she always wanted to know but never got the chance to ask anybody because like Sam told her once, it was against the rules to talk about what happened while you were UC_

_Sam didn't like talking about that, but with Andy he knew he wasn't going to win, she would nag him over and over again, and he understood that it was important for her to learn about his work, it was her way to show that she cared about what he did, so why not tell the truth "Drugs…it's rare to stay 6, 7 months undercover without doing drugs, your boss starts to suspect and you have to do it. Girls, they have a bunch of women that are always around so they can do you- know- what all the time, and if they offer you one, there is no way you are going to say no, maybe you can refuse once or twice, but there is no way you are declining it every time. And the worst one I think is having to kill someone, when you are the boss's right hand, you do everything he asks, everything, if you don't… he won't trust you with the important things and your work won't be over, ever. So, imagine doing all that and still remain the same person. Tough, right?"_

* * *

Ok, so I knew what Oliver was talking about and I didn't like it at all "No…no, he can't do that"

All I want to do now is scream, like…for real, I want to climb on a roof and scream to the world to give us a break. How can things change from being perfect- two months ago- to this? It just isn't possible. I'm dreaming, aren't I? That must be it, thank God, I was starting to think it was real. Shut up Andy, it is. Pure reality

I pick my phone and dial his number- shaking fingers almost hitting the wrong numbers- I wait. But I don't have to wait for too long, it goes straight to voice mail and I feel so frustrated right now that I'm about to throw this useless piece of plastic on the ground, but I don't…what if he calls me? Yeah, right, because I'm sure that's what Sam is thinking now, calling me…duh

"I've tried calling. 63 times. Thrice a day for three weeks" Oliver's voice interrupts my train of thoughts

"Where is he, Oliver?" How can nobody know where Sam is? That is impossible, nobody just vanishes from the earth for three weeks, he had to be somewhere, but where? _WHERE?_

"Joshua, Sarah's boyfriend, ex-boyfriend, whatever, said Sam left St. Catharine's 2 weeks ago, and I have no clue where he is, sorry Andy, all we can do is wait and hope, hope that he isn't doing something stupid"

_1505 back up needed at Chloe's and St. James_

Our radio calls, I can hear Oliver responding as he makes her way to the cashier to pay for the muffins he dropped on the floor. I follow him and even though my legs are numb I know I have to go out there and do my job, I have to keep my head on the game, have my partner's back, protect the city. But it's easier said than done, how can I do all that if my mind is in overdrive thinking about the worst cases scenarios involving Sam. I know he isn't dumb and he won't do anything stupid, but that was before, how can he keep a good mind when the thing he loves the most is taken away from him without a warning? It shouldn't be like this

"Come on Andy, the streets call us" Oliver yells from the car

* * *

So, four days after I found out what happened, Sam went Undercover. Oliver came looking for me with a piece of paper on his hands. That writing was unmistakable, it was Sam's

"_Oliver, _

_I'm sorry for everything_

_Don't worry about me_

_If things don't go as planned, second drawer of my nightstand_

_Sam"_

After that, there wasn't much I could do, except hope that he would come back

**Soooo...what do you think? I will update the next one thursday/friday. Read and review! **


	3. Trying to

**Hello! First I want to say thanks for the kind reviews, I'm happy to see that you like this FF, thank you one more time. Now, h****ere's chapter three, this one is longer, but I didn't know where to stop. Hope you guys enjoy it**

**P.S: Can't wait for tonight's episode, I'm going to miss RB. Hope everything works out for our couple and everybody else**

* * *

Five months passed and my life was almost back on track. Almost. Since Sam left, I was having trouble doing my job. I couldn't sleep for a whole night because I kept dreaming about him. I hated how nobody would tell me shit about Sam's op. I tried so much to find out what he was doing, but nop. They all said they didn't have a clue, the only thing I learned was that he was working for 23rd division, which sucked, because I knew nobody there. That didn't stop me though, the days I wasn't on shift or when I was riding solo, I would navigate through the other side of the city, trying to get a glimpse of him. I tried, I really did, unfortunately, that wasn't enough

And in the middle of this mess that was my life lately, I met this guy named Adam. We weren't dating, but we were kinda… seeing each other. It wasn't something I planned, it just happened. Unfortunately, I still thought about Sam, mainly because we weren't in good terms when he left. We were in the worst one possible to be honest. I knew that wasn't fair to Adam, but what could I do?

* * *

Desk duty. It was my assignment today. Something I really hated. It was so boring. I don't remember what I was thinking about, but I know I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing, I just know that my heart almost stopped when I looked to my right.

Sam Swarek walked through the doors of 15th. It was him, wasn't it? I can't be hallucinating, it's not even 10 am and I just had one cup of coffee. But I wasn't sure either, the man was walking with his head down and I couldn't get a glimpse of his face. He was thin, too thin. No, it wasn't Sam, I'm sure. Almost sure. 80%, no, 60%. Urghhhh stupid head.

Five minutes later I see Oliver coming out of the lockers, he is smiling, looks relieved. And that's when I know. It's HIM. The man is back. O-h

When it's time to go, Adam is waiting for me outside, he usually waits on a wooden bench near the entrance. I make my way silently towards him- intending to make a surprise- when I see another figure sitting beside Adam, he has his forearms resting on his thighs and his head hung low. Fuck, it's Sam.

Adam must have seen me because he gets up, smiles and kisses me "Hey you!"

I smile, even though it's a shaky one. I can barely think, Sam is right there, 3 ft. away from us

"Want to go to The Penny tonight?" I ask Adam while watching Sam over his shoulder. Sam doesn't even turns to look at us, and I think I'm not his favorite person right now. But I can see him stiffening, so he heard me. I wonder if he is going to be there too. Strange. That's what is going to be.

* * *

Traci, Dov, Chris, Gail, Nick, Me, Adam, Oliver, Noelle and the baby. That's our table. There isn't that TO'S/Rookie's division anymore, after Jerry died everybody started to hang out together, which I really liked, most of the times it was fun.

So, when Sam walked in, everybody at the table turned to look at him, apparently nobody knew he was back, just Oliver and me. I saw Traci looking at me silently asking if I was ok. I smiled and kissed Adam's cheek as to say that I was fine. And I was, I swear.

We could barely see Sam, he was hidden in the shadows, looking around the bar. Maybe looking for someone? Oliver? Noelle? I don't know, but our table was hidden and there was no way he could see us, so after a moment he made his way to the same stool he always occupied

Noelle and Oliver kept throwing glances at each other, debating something I didn't understand. It was Noelle that got up and made her way to Sam. Probably to invite him over. His eyes were glued to the floor, so he jumped a little when Noelle put a hand on his shoulder. I couldn't see Sam's face, just his back. But I can see Noelle's face. She hands him the baby and he reluctantly accepts. What wouldn't I give to see his expression. Sam holding a baby. Cute. They chat for a moment and then Noelle is back. Sam is not following her. Looking at the door again, I see him leaving and I feel disappointed

"So?" Oliver asks, expectantly

"Said he wouldn't stay, just stopped by to drink something" Noelle explains, and I can see she is upset, not because Sam didn't stay, but for something else

Oliver shrugs and plays with his drink before asking "How is him?"

"Different" Noelle answers and then continues "But is just his first day back, let's give him some time, right?"

Oliver agrees, but I know, I know what he is thinking. Sam never needed time after he came back from an operation. He didn't need it after I burned him, and he didn't need it after the whole Jamie Brennan thing. But ok, let's give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe he is just tired and wants to go home.

* * *

"So…" Traci approaches me when we are walking to her car

"Don't 'so' me Trac" I warn her

She laughs and shakes her head in amusement "Ok. Sorry. But seriously, what happened to him?"

Traci is my best friend, always have been and always will be. But I never told her what happened to Sam, clearly he didn't want people to know. She asked me once and I told her I didn't know, she knew I was lying but didn't pressure. It wasn't my place to tell her, so I didn't.

"Trac…he went through some difficult stuff. And I don't know, I guess he needed time to recover, clear his head or whatever, so he went undercover and as you can see, came back today" I explained, not lying and not really telling the truth

"I'm sorry, I know that I don't know him that well…but Sam…he needs to get past this. It must sound horrible, I know, and I know that everyone has its own time of healing, but Jerry would hate to see him stuck, throwing his life away. Talk to him Andy"

Fuck. That's exactly what I thought when I didn't know what was happening, but then, when Oliver told me, I couldn't blame him for his actions. And talking to him…I would love to, I'm just giving him some time to adjust to his life again… And sure, I need time too

"I will Trac, I will, just…"

* * *

Two days, that's how long I've been preparing myself. And I'm not sure I'm ready, I will never be totally ready for this. I don't know what is going on on his mind, I don't know what changed in him, we haven't talked for what...6/7 months. Things change, and I'm sure things changed a lot inside Sam' head. I know, I know it's not going to be easy talking to him, he probably doesn't even want to, never wanted to. Except once, and well, I wasn't very nice. But I need this, I can't sit here and do nothing, during almost 3 years he was there for me, by my side, listening to what I had to say, supporting me, helping me get up. And I have to do the same. I want to be a friend, I swear, nothing more, just a friend.

I wait till the end of my shift, Adam already texted saying he had something to do and wouldn't pick me at work. That's good, so I don't need to rush. And I'm glad I don't need to explain what I was doing. Adam knows nothing about what happened between me and Sam

When the station is almost empty, I see Sam coming out of Best's office. He heads to the showers and five minutes later I'm sitting in front of his locker, just waiting for him to get out. After 10 minutes I hear footsteps coming towards me. It's him, I know. My hands start to tremble and my mind goes blank. I want to get out of here. Get me out, get me out now. Please! No, no. I'm staying. I can do this, it's just Sam. The same Sam you love. Lov-E-D. Past. Wake up Andy.

When I'm back to the present, Sam is already by my side, hasn't said a word, or has he? I don't know. I was too distracted. Great job Andy, great job.

I notice that I haven't seen his face yet, the three times I saw him I couldn't see his face. And as I think this, I realize how much I miss those dimples, and his sarcastic remarks. I want them back. And now I'm rambling again. First step: talk

"H-h-h-hi" Urghhh, that sounded horrible

He nods sharply not bothering to look at me. And I know this is going to be tough. More than I thought it would. But I'm not one to give up that easily

"Sam? Please…" I ask nicely, soft voice and all

He continues to look for clothes inside his locker. I enjoy the moment to take a good look at his almost naked form. It's been so long. But it's not the same anymore. I'm not good at guessing, but I think he must have lost almost 30lbs. which is a lot. He was pure muscle, now it's just bones and skin. It's ugly, really. My eyes roam his back. I think he can't even lift me like he used to do anymore. Carrie me to bed, lay me down gently. Oh God, don't Andy, don't go there. There is an ugly, ugly scar on his right shoulder. It's big and I cringe imagining what happened. That wasn't there before.

Finally he finds a shirt. Of course, it's too big. Too much. And I don't know why, but it annoys me. Come on man, don't give up. What kind of job were you doing? Was it a don't-put-food-in-your-mouth-or-you-will-die kind? I want to shove food inside that pretty mouth until he is almost chubby, because seriously, he is scaring me. When he turns though…I wasn't ready for that. Now I know that he had been keeping his head down for a reason, it was on purpose.

It's not Sam, it's not. Can someone please get me the man that was here seven months ago back? He has a major, vertical, gash that goes from his left eyebrow until the middle of his cheek. His eyes are empty, there's nothing there. Empty. Emotionless. It's sad, and I shake my head. Want to cry.

Unfortunately, Sam sees that I'm staring and tries to hide his face again. But I'm not letting him. I place one hand on his arm and the other one on the uninjured side of his face, so I can turn his head towards me. He dodges when he sees what I'm doing

"Something you want?" Sam asks, visibly tiredly

What do I want? I want to ask if he is ok, but that's such a stupid question to make, because no, he is not. I can see it. I don't even know what I want, but I have to start somewhere

I clear my throat "Are…are you alright? You need help with anything?"

He shakes his head and frowns "No" and then adds "Why would I?"

Ohh yes, why would he? Oh, I don't know… maybe because you have a nasty cut on your face that needs to be taken care of, or because your place is a mess after being five months away, or…or…maybe because your sister died and you need someone to talk to. But obviously I can't say any of that

"I'm sorry Sam, for…you know, that day when you came looking for me I..." I start to apologize, because that was the first thing I needed to do, but he cuts me off before I can even begin to say how sorry I am

"It's fine"

Hey! That was my line. Whatever. But no, it is not "Fine". I roll my eyes at him and raise an eyebrow "Let me finish, will you?" because seriously, I need to get this out of my chest, I've spent five months feeling guilty and I can't do it anymore

Sam doesn't say anything, just waits for me to continue, and I do "I'm sorry I didn't listen to you when you showed up at my door, I should have never let you walk away when clearly something wasn't right. I was just so mad at you that I didn't realize that you needed me. I hope you can forgive me Sam. Please. I just…I'm your friend, if you need anything…" there, I said it, well…not everything I wanted, but it's a beginning

I observe his reaction for any signs of anger, hurt, frustration, something, anything. But no, nothing came, just a nod and an "Ok"

That was just infuriating. I was trying to talk but apparently I was the only one, because Sam…well, he wasn't making things easy. Maybe I didn't deserve it. I don't know

"Do you need help with the…uhnn…the- the" I choke a little, motioning to his face. Maybe if I could help, then Sam would see that I was there to help him with whatever he needed. And it would be good for bonding, I need that.

He grins a little and again, it's not that grin that charms everybody, it's that empty smile "What do you want McNally?"

Urghhh, I want things to go back the way they were before, but I'm not going to say it, so I settle with "I want to help, that's all" because I do, it's true

He looks at the mirror behind my back and runs a hand over the gash, analyzing it "I don't need help" he states, grabbing gauze, cottons, something that helps with the cleaning of the wound and moving past me, towards the sink

I can't help but think that he isn't referring just to his gash, he is generalizing, isn't him? I look at him cleaning the cut. Trembling hands. He tries to suppress a wince but I can see it, it must hurt like hell. So I approach, intending to help

"You can go now" His voice startles me before I can reach the sink

Ok. I get it. Time, he needs time. And maybe, just maybe, I should listen to him, but I'm not going to do that, Sam is trying to push me away, but I'm not going to let him. We may not be an item anymore, that doesn't mean I don't want to help him and be his friend. So I pretend he didn't say anything, yank the cotton from his hand and start to clean. At first Sam is reluctant, but he knows I'm not giving up, so he complies. And hisses a lot.

"Does it hurts?" I ask the obvious after he tries to suppress another cry of pain

"No"

Ahhh, I'm sure it doesn't. Maybe I was imagining the noises he was making. Yeah, all in my head. But I'm not going to argue. I just want to know what happened

"How did you get that?" hopefully he will tell me. But I know my chances are low, almost zero

Sam looks down and I'm sure he is reliving the facts, he looks far away and I wait for him to say something "Hm…hazards of the job…it happens"

Sadly that statement is true. Sometimes is just a bruise, sometimes is a bullet. This time was a cut. An ugly one. But then again…better that than dead

We finish and Sam steps away from me, points at the door and gives me a pointed look. I know what it means, have spent too much time together to know that he wants me to leave and leave him alone. Thing is…I need a ride home. There is nobody here to give me a lift and walking is not an option, it's freezing outside. But for the first time, I don't' feel comfortable around Sam, so I don't ask him, I just offer a sincere smile and go away

And it hurts, I stop to think and it hurts. How different Sam is. I should be glad that he is back, but he isn't back per say. That is just the carcass. And I must say…a destroyed one. I try to understand that he needs time. But still, I feel sad. I have to keep trying though, I like him too much to just turn my back. Again.

* * *

I'm standing outside the precinct, looking for my wallet to see if I have enough money so I can get a cab when the doors open and Sam walks out. Looking at him from the corner of my eye, I think that it's going to take some time to get used to his new look

"Need a ride?" Sam's raspy voice interrupts my thoughts

Well, that is…unexpected?

**So...what do you think? R & R. Thank youuuu **


	4. That's it

**A.N/ Hello everybody, so, here's the next chapter, I hope you like it. **

**I want to say a BIG thank you to everybody who left a review, thanks again, I'm happy you are liking this.**

**And about Adam...well, he is not Andy's boyfriend yet, I'll see what to do with him later**

* * *

Sam's P.O.V

Don't do this Sam. Just, don't. Keep walking. Go home. Wait. What's that sound? "Need a ride?" What the hell? Did I just say that? Impossible, it wasn't me, must be someone else's voice. I look around and there is no one there, except for me and McNally. So yeah…it was me

The first thing I notice is her shocked expression. Why? Well…maybe she didn't expect me to say anything. To be fair…I didn't expect that either. Then she chews on her bottom lip. I think she is going to say 'no'. Thank God.

"OK" McNally agrees, and without another word we head to my truck.

I bet with myself that she is going to try talking to me the whole way to her house. Bond. Whatever.

Crap. The engine is barely running when I hear her asking "Why did you came back so early?" and then "Not that I'm not happy that you're back, it's just that there wasn't a bust and nobody was arrested. Did you get made? That's why they hurt you?"

Gee, just shut up lady. Why does she want to talk so much? I really don't understand why people like talking about what they feel. About their past. I mean…it doesn't help in anything…does it? Well…I don't know, never tried, never will. I'm good this way. Thank you very much.

I look at her by the way she is staring at me, and it's obvious that she is waiting for an answer. What was the question again? Oh... yeah, yeah, I remember now. Something about me coming back. And my injury.

"Ahhhnn…things didn't go as planned"

Period. That's all I'm giving her. It's none of her business what happened or didn't with me. It's not like I own her some answers, because really…I don't. Do I? No, no Sam, you don't. There is nothing between you two anymore therefore you don't owe her anything. Although… even when you were with her you kind of didn't share anything either. Shushhh.

Looks like I hit a nerve, because I can see Andy's patience fading away quickly. I don't care. If she wants to be mad, annoyed, sad, hurt, or whatever it is that she is feeling right now, I do not care. As long as she leaves me alone.

Andy takes a deep breath and silently counts to ten "Sam, I get it, you are hurt, you feel alone, you want to be left alone and you don't understand why that…shit… happened, but you can't push everyone away. I don't know what you are feeling right now, but you can't keep going like this…"

"Who says I want to keep going?" I blurted at the heat of the moment. It wasn't supposed to come out, it was supposed to stay inside my head, like everything else I was thinking. But now there was no turning back, it was already there

The truth is that I don't know what am I suppose to do. How do I keep going? How can I move forward? What they expect me to do? Wake up, put on a happy face, do my job, go to The Penny for a couple of drinks, laugh around like everything is ok in the world? I can't. I can't do that. Not when I don't even want to wake up in the first place. It's true. I don't. Why would I want to do that? As soon as I open my eyes there are memories to remember me that Jerry isn't here anymore and neither is my sister. My sister. The woman of my life. The woman who I swore to protect till the end. Guess I failed at that. Just like I failed Jerry and just like I failed Andy. Fail. Fail. Fail. Great job buddy. I'm rambling like McNally, aren't I? Must be the time we spent together…three years. The best years I could ask for. Things were simple back then…

Those words left my mouth and Andy widened her eyes. I don't understand why she looks so surprised. Well…whatever. I prepare myself for her speech, I know it's going to be a long one.

"Sam…" it comes out like a warning, like I said something absurd. Maybe I did, maybe I didn't "Do you think Jerry would like to see you like this? Do you think you are making your sister proud?" Andy asks quietly, voice cracking a little at the end

Although she is quiet, I know she isn't done yet, so I wait before it's my turn to speak "I don't know what to say to you, I don't know how to make things better, ease your pain, but please…for your brother and your sister, don't give up. Just answer me honestly, what do you think they would say to you right now?"

As I look at her face, I can see a million feelings crossing her eyes- those eyes speak volumes- none of them are good, and I start to think about her question. Really think. Andy always had that effect on me, she kind of controls me, I don't know how she does that, but it's irritating, it's like I'm a puppet in her hands, one of the reasons I broke up with her. This ride was a bad idea. I still can't figure what I was thinking. I'm sure I wasn't.

"We are here. Good night" I'm not going to give her what she wants, I'm not going to open up. Forget it. I know McNally long enough to know what she is trying to do, she wants to fix me, she wants me to be the same guy I was before, probably feels guilty, but I. Am. Not. That man anymore. Things change, I change, get used to it

"You know what?" McNally snaps suddenly, glaring at me furiously "The Sam I knew would never give up, he wasn't a quitter. This Sam here" she points at me, disgusted "is not the one I fell in love with, you don't deserve your job and you don't deserve the friends you have right now"

It's my turn to be annoyed, because seriously, shut up. I don't care what you think, can't you see? "This is me now. I'm not asking you to like me, I don't even care if you like me or not. The only woman I care is not here anymore. So stop trying to fix me, there is nothing to be fixed here. Now if you will excuse me, I have somewhere to go" there. Done. I said it.

Andy shakes her head from side to side and closes the door of my truck with such strength that I think my ears just exploded

* * *

Andy's P.O.V

I shouldn't have accepted that effing ride. Urghhhhhhhhhh. Right now I don't even want to help him anymore, clearly he doesn't want help. Better yet, a he said it, he doesn't need help. I don't know where I was with my mind when I thought I would be able to reconnect with Sam in some kind of way. That was crazy.

The next day I wake up before my alarm rings. It pisses me off, not because I'm early, but because when I open my eyes I remember about yesterday, and I want to rip someone's head off. Sam's head. And well…that's not an option, I would be arrested. But some time ago, after Luke cheated on me with Jo, someone showed me that hitting something was a great way to vent, release all the bad energy inside you. It was a great advice and I felt really good after that sparring session. So that's what I'm going to do today. First I need my coffee.

With everything done, I grab my mug of coffee and head to the station. It's not very far, maybe 30 minutes walking, it's a good way to warm up.

The station is so different this time of the day. It's quiet, there isn't that rush that I'm used to, like, all the bad guys are sleeping. But it isn't bad, it's a nice change.

I leave my bag inside my locker and head to the gym, making a quick stop at the drinking fountain to fill my water bottle.

The gym is pretty small and usually nobody uses it, only when there is someone training for fight night like Traci and Chris, this time though, when I'm near the door, I can hear the unmistakable sound of fists colliding to a punching bag, ragged breaths, feet dancing around the mat, more punches, they sound pretty strong, maybe the person inside the room is angry with something. Maybe I should just turn around and leave? I can go for a run. But when I'm about to walk away the sound stops. Maybe he or she is done. Ok then, I guess I'm using the gym.

I open the door and well…that's not what I expected. Sam is using the gym. His shirt and his pants are soaked, so is his hair. He is lying on the mattress, eyes closed, taking deep breaths. Exhausted. How long has he been here?

I think he didn't realize there was somebody else on the room because he didn't move a muscle. Looking around the room, near the door, I see his bag and a box full of things. Things I have seen before inside his locker. A photograph of Sarah, a book, some cd's, his name tag and other things. Confusing.

"Huhuuuun" I clear my throat to make my presence known

Sam jumps startled but relaxes as soon as he sees me. That's good, right?

"Sorry, didn't mean to scary you, I can go if you want me to" I say shyly, hoping he won't send me away, which after yesterday, I don't doubt he would

He shakes his head and opens his arms "You can use it, I'm done here anyway. I'm just going to clean up the mattress and then I'll be out of here"

Ohh, he doesn't sound so harsh anymore. Seriously, this way I'm going to lose my mind. One moment Sam is being a complete douche bag and the next one he is trying to be casual, nice. Well, I'm not going to waste this chance

Pointing to his box near the door I ask him "First day back?" I try not to sound excited, but even on my own ears I know I fail

Sam, who is cleaning the mattress with a clean cloth, stops and looks at me puzzled "No…"

And it's my turn to look at him completely lost, but I don't have much time to think what that means because Sam is talking again "I resigned"

Wait, wait, wait, wait. Hold on. Resigned? Rewind please. I must have heard wrong. I'm still sleeping. That must be it.

"What?" we cringe simultaneously at the high pitched tone I use

Sam drops the cloth from his hand and walks towards me "'What' what McNally? You were the one who said I didn't deserve my job, why do you sound so surprised? It's not the end of the world. Look at me Andy" And he says it like it's so obvious, like if I look at him I will understand what he is saying. But I don't

I know he can't work on the streets right now, I get it, but he can work with something else. Paper work, booking, front desk. There is no need to be radical. He can't do that, he can't. Why the hell did Frank agree to this? What was he thinking? Sam is one of the best Officers 15th has. Even in his worst shape he is better than most of us.

Please, please please, tell me this isn't true. This is one of his jokes, isn't it? Unfortunately, when I look at him again, I know he is dead serious. And my bottom lip starts quivering. But I won't cry, I won't

Looking around the room, Sam looks content with his cleaning work. He gives me a sharp nod and his lips tug upwards. Dimples showing. Wait wait wait. Look right there. It's a real one. Not that empty grin he threw me days ago. Why now? Why?

Why am I still quiet? Why am I not trying to stop him from doing the worst mistake of his life? I open my mouth to say something, anything, but nothing comes out, it's just like when you have a nightmare and you want to scream but for the love of God you can't. Come on Andy, come on. Just a few words. "Hmm..." What the hell was that? Sam is faster than me, apparently he didn't lost the ability to form sentences

"Bye McNally"

I can hear my heart thumping against my chest and finaly something comes out of my mouth "W-w-when will I see you again?" I ask him, trying to control my voice, trying not to sound desperate

Sam shrugs and walking backwards says "Who knows…maybe one day"

I watch him go and I know I should be convincing him to stay, begging him, but right now I can't do that, it's Sam's choice and I can't tell him what to do. First I need to talk to Oliver, Noelle and Frank, to understand what is happening, but for now I know that nothing that I say will change his mind, Sam needs time to find his way back, it's not something simple to do. And if he needs to do that away from us, from the division, then we have to respect that

* * *

**Sooooo...? what do you think? If you feel like it, please review...see you soon.**

** I'm going to try and update the next chapter as fast as I can**

**Bye Bye**


	5. Squares

**Heeeeyyyyy everybody. So, here is chapter five. I hope you enjoy it. Thanks everyone for the reviews, they are great and it helps me keep going. Hope you enjoy this one too...**

* * *

****Sam's P.O.V

I open my eyes and a bright light stops me from seeing much. It's too bright and everything is so white. I close my eyes again, otherwise I'm pretty sure I will end up blind. I sniff a little, the smell is familiar. I'm not at home, that's for certain. It looks like heaven, but then I would have to be dead, and I'm not sure that haven would be my destiny right now. Ok, what happened?

Think…

Think…

Right…hospital, that's where I am. How did I get here?

Some images come to my mind and I start to remember everything that happened to bring me here.

* * *

_After I got home from the station, I realized there was nothing left to do, no errands to run, no bad guys to arrest, no one to call to, so I turned my phone off, sat in front of the TV and drank. To be honest, I didn't know why I was drinking, it was just 8 am. Maybe it was the realization that I didn't have anyone else. I really missed my sister, jerry and…Andy. Or maybe I was drinking because I wanted to. So I drank and drank a little more. Hours flew by and I continued to drink. Then, when my body couldn't take it anymore, everything started spinning and my vision went black. _

_ The next day when I woke up on the floor, my bones and my headache were killing me, the only way I knew to ease the pain I was feeling was…drinking, so I did it over and over again, only sparing a couple of hours to eat whatever there was in my fridge. I'm sure I even ate something that had expired days ago. After a few days of drinking, sleeping and eating, I started to feel a horrific smell, it was coming from me. Then it clicked. I hadn't taken a shower in six days. Gross._

_ The stench was making me so sick that I had to stumble to the bathroom to throw up. When I was feeling slightly better, I decided to stop what I was doing. It was self-destructive and I knew it. Trying to drown my sorrows on a bottle would not help my situation. I had seeing what that habit could do to someone, it never worked. Not once._

_ The problem started there. I tried to reach something inside a high cabinet above the sink- I don't even remember what it was- so, seeing that I couldn't reach it, I climbed on a chair and that was the stupidest thing I could have done. I could barely stand on my own feet, let alone climb a chair. Rookie mistake. I fell and my face collided with the edge of the sink. Right away, I felt that unmistakable smell of blood. It was tricking down my face and I knew I just had reopened my cut. G-r-e-a-t. _

_ Problem was…I needed a hospital. Fast. There was no way I could drive. Not after drinking for almost a week. _

_ My second problem started when I didn't remember where was my phone. That thing was so small and my house was so messy, finding it could take so much time. Time I didn't have. Think Sam, think. Coffee table? No. Bedroom? No. Nightstand? No. Couch? No. Back pocket? Bingo. Without thinking, I started hitting the numbers, but they were so small- and there was two of each- that it took me at least five minutes to dial. Seeing double? Not a good sign. The phone rang seven times but nobody answered it. My head was killing me and I couldn't see straight because there was blood inside my eye. Once again I dialed the same number. It rung five times before I heard an annoyed "hello" at the other end_

_ Ok, someone wasn't happy to be bothered at…what time it was? At the heat of the moment I didn't thought about looking at the clock, so I squinted my eyes and looked at the kitchen's clock… it was 2 am. _

_ "Hi" I greeted weakly_

_ "Who is it?" The person asked, confused_

_ Ohhh right, I had changed my number and nobody knew it "It's Sam, McNally" _

_ "Sam? What's wrong?" she sounded surprised to hear my voice, I guess she just…wasn't expecting me to call her this late, or ever. I was surprised too, to be honest, I hadn't paid much attention to who I was calling to, it was automatic. Hun, strange._

_ "I need…" I couldn't finish what I was saying because I heard some shuffling at the other side of the line and then a male voice at the background said "What's wrong Andy?" it was a raspy voice, like the one you have when you wake up. Guess I would have to call someone else. Andy was busy._

_ I cleared my throat before speaking again "Oh, sorry, didn't mean to disturb, I…I…sorry again"_

_ "Wait. Why did you call?" She asked before I could hang up_

_ I was divided. Should I tell her or shouldn't I? Hmmmm… I don't think so "Nothing, nothing, I'll leave you to what you were doing" my voice faltered a bit. I was starting to feel weak, there was too much blood tricking down my face and the fact that I was drunk didn't help either_

_ Andy was always good in reading me, and this time it wasn't different, so she insisted "Tell me Sam"_

_ Stubborn. "I fell and my cut is open again, I need to go to the hospital. I'm going to call a cab, or whatever. Good night McNally" I tried to sound strong, like I wasn't worried at all. But that was a lie, I was starting to get scared._

_ "What? Is it bad?" she sounded concerned, and I heard more shuffling, like she was getting dressed_

_ Why should I worry her? Better not "Nahhh, it's fine. I'm going to call someone now Andy. Night"_

_ "No" she almost shouted and I felt my head almost exploding "I'm going" _

_ Alright, so, Andy was coming. I hung up the phone and tried to stay awake. My eyelids were so heavy, it was so hard to stay awake, keep my eyes open. The hand that was making pressure on my wound dropped to my side and I closed my eyes, promising it would be just for a minute. I just needed to close them. So I did._

_ What felt like five minutes later, I woke up. Just as promised. Yeah, right, five minutes my ass. More like a day._

* * *

Adjusting to the bright light, I look around. Nobody's here, the crappy chair is empty. No sign of McNally. Not that I was expecting her to stay with me. I wasn't. She was busy with her boyfriend? - or whatever he is – yesterday, so she must have dropped me here and just got back to him. I need a nurse to discharge me that's what I need. I don't need to think about Andy now. Or ever. I want to go home, enough with the hospitals. Pressing a button, I wait for someone to come.

It took some time, but a lady finally came. Clipboard in hands "How are you feeling?" she asks me with a kind smile that makes me want to throw up.

I close my eyes again and using a fake, cheerful voice I mutter "Great, can I go home now?"

Rhonda- that's what said on her nametag- scoffs and writes something on my file "I'm sorry, your friend told me to not let you go before she gets here. Miss McNally said she had to work but she will be here by 17:00. We will discharge you then"

Miss McNally? Arghhhh. I know I wasn't eager to listen to what she had to say to me. My ears were already burning. I deserve it though. What I did was pretty childish and immature. Something bad could've happened. At the time it didn't seem a bad idea, but then, one drink turned to five, five turned to ten and I stop counting after that.

"Look who decided to wake up" an angry voice said from the door as soon as I stirred

It startled me, I wasn't expecting anybody there. No, I was. Andy. How could I forget? Crap. She looks pissed "How long have you been here?" I ask her, sitting straight

She is standing at the end of my bed, arms crossed and all "Too long. Come on, let's go. I'll drive you home"

Looking at her, she doesn't seem happy at all. But why would she? I mean…I called her in the middle of the night after disappearing for seven days, interrupted whatever it was that she was doing with that guy, and after helping me, she had to go to work. Who would be happy with all of this? Nobody would. So I owed her an apology "McNally, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to disturb you, it won't happen again" I tried to sound true. Because I really was sorry, it wasn't my intention to upset her. Ruin her night and her day.

She sighs and moves towards me, stops by my side and hesitantly holds my hand "Sam. Why were you like that? I mean, when I got to your place and you didn't answer the door I thought something bad had happened. Then, I found you lying on the kitchen floor, blood all over your face. You were stinking. There was vomit on your shirt. That…that's not you. I just… never expected that from you"

I can see in her eyes how disappointed she is. I shouldn't care about what she thinks. But I can't help it, I do care. Right now I feel so ashamed that I want to hide my face under the covers "I'm sorry Andy, I shouldn't have done that to you" it's all I can say right now

She shakes her head and sits by my side "You did nothing to me, can't you see that? You are hurting yourself Sam. But I'm glad that you called, I'm glad I could help. Not that I'm glad that you fell. I'm not"

* * *

Andy's P.O.V

I know Sam is ashamed, he can't even look me in the eyes for more than two seconds. That's good. It means he thought about what he did. It means he is starting to care. But I don't want to get my hopes up. I know how Sam is, he can shut down any minute.

So, enjoying this moment that Sam doesn't look so distant from me, I ask things I wanted to know since he came back. Nothing too deep though. I know now is not the right moment. I don't know if there will ever be a right moment.

"Now…I think I deserve to know what happened to your face. Don't you think so?" I play a little with the hem of his gown, hoping that he will just answer honestly

Sam grins a little and gently traces the cut with his forefinger before speaking "It was my day off, I was alone, hanging out in a crappy bar. When I got out, I saw four guys fighting, one against three. It wasn't a fair fight. The guy being beaten was my boss. I couldn't let them do that, so I stepped in. I took one guy down, but when I went for the second one, he was holding a broken bottle. He hit me on the face. I don't remember much after that. I know we won the fight" he laughs for a moment. Dimples showing and all, but then, his face turned deadly serious "Unfortunately, it's going to leave a scar. A pretty big one."

He kept his head down, I could hear the vulnerability in his voice, and that made me happy. Since he came back all he had offered me was bitter sarcasm, indifference and apathy. Vulnerability was a new one, a good one. He was starting to let his guard down. I nudged him and he finally looked at me "That was brave Sam, and…" but before I could continue he interrupted harshly

"Yeah, well…I don't care, people can't look me in the eyes anymore, they just stare at this gruesome mark"

"Maybe, but that's just who doesn't know you. Your friends, me, we will never look at you any different. On the contrary, it only reminds me how loyal and a great person you are, you just have to let everybody see that. Because you haven't been yourself lately" I finished, hoping he wouldn't get mad at me one more time

He shrugged and muttered a shy "I'm not that guy anymore Andy, sorry"

See, that's what I was talking about. One moment he is all vulnerable and honest and then, five seconds later he is being that empty man again. I don't know why. I don't. We are back to square one. Or zero.

"Why Sam? Why can't you be that man anymore? He was a great one to be honest" I ask, trying to understand what changed so much. Why he has changed. From water to wine

"I just can't, I can't. It's not like I was a great person Andy. Look at everything I did. Look at what I did to you, Jerry and my sister. That Sam was a failure, so I'm sorry for changing, but that man is gone. Get used to it. Or don't"

Ok, I didn't expect that, what he said was quite shocking. So…he blamed himself for everything. I am silent, thinking about what to say to make him believe that it wasn't his fault. Not everything was his fault.

"Can we go now?" he interrupts me, with an edge of irritation on his voice

Square one? No, more like square zero

* * *

**Soooo? What did you think? R&R...=]**


	6. steps

I was making my way to the cruiser when I heard Oliver shouting behind me "McNally, wait"

"What's up?" I ask when he reaches me

Oliver is holding two cups of coffee, he gives me one and smiles. Well…that means he needs something, so I just chuckle and ask directly "What do you need Oliver?"

He feigns hurt but smiles five seconds later. Busted. "It's Hannah's birthday tomorrow and we are having a barbecue, I want you to talk to the rooks, could you do that? Please?"

Nice! I just…love when everybody hangs together out of work "Sure, we are all going to be there, should we bring something?"

"Nah, we have everything we need. Thanks"

We stay in silence for a minute and I don't know if he is done or not, so it's kinda weird…

Oliver seems uncomfortable, like he wants to say something else but doesn't know how to say it "Anything else?" I ask, trying to make this easier for him

He scratches his head and nods "Yeah…hmmm…have you talked to Sam lately?"

Ohhh. I should have known it was something related to that "Hm…yeah, you could say that, why?"

Well...to be honest, that's not completely true, I have talked to him three times since he came back, but that's something

"I can't reach him, he won't answer his phone and I went to see him yesterday but there was nobody home" Oliver explains

After working together for more than three years I think I know Oliver pretty well, and looking at him now, I know that he feels frustrated and maybe a bit mad, but I don't blame him, Sam is his best friend, he can't just ignore Oliver. That's not how best friends act. At least I thought it wasn't…seems like Sam thinks different.

Punch Sam, that's what I want to do now

"He changed his number, I can give the new one to you" I offer him, trying to do what's right

He shakes his head, dismissing my offer "No, no, that's ok. Just…talk to him, Hannah said…demanded, actually, that she wanted her uncle Sammy to attend the party. So…"

"Ok, I'll talk to him, he will be there"

"Sure, sure" I can hear the sarcasm dripping from his voice, it's pretty clear that Oliver thinks Sam is not going to show, and to be honest, I don't think he is going to too

* * *

It's the end of shift and I am ready to go home when I remember that I need to talk to Sam. I don't really think he is going to be thrilled about the party, I even think he is going to just laugh and hang up in my face. No, not laugh, because that's something he isn't doing lately. He will just mutter something and then hang up. Yeah, that's more like him. But I have nothing to lose either, so I call and wait for him to answer.

_Andy: Sam? It's me, Andy McNally_

_Sam: Yeah, I know who you are Andy McNally _

_Andy: What can I say? Nobody forgets me. Never_

_Sam: If you say so…_

_Andy: Hey! Are you saying I'm forgettable?_

_Sam: Didn't say that McNally_

_Andy: So you agree? I'm unforgettable?_

_Sam: Didn't say that either_

_Andy: Complicated much?_

_Sam: So you called to insult me?_

_Andy: I called? Oh…yeah yeah, I called. No, not to insult you, to invite you _

_Sam: No, thank you, bye!_

_Andy: Shush, listen first. It's Hannah's birthday and Oliver is hosting a barbecue, Hannah wants to see you. So…?_

_Sam: So, what McNally? I already said no_

_Andy: Great! I will be there tomorrow, be ready at 4. Bye_

Sam: McNally wait…

I hear Sam calling my name before I hang up, but I prefer to ignore him because I know what he is going to say, he is going to say that he won't go and bla bla bla. I don't need to hear that. I don't WANT to hear that. I'm just full of it.

* * *

"Saaaaam, you ready?" I ask to nobody in particular walking out of my car. When I'm about to knock on his door, a noise catches my attention. I turn towards it and stop dead on my tracks "What the hell are you doing?" I ask, when Sam emerges from under his truck, all dirty with grease. My mouth goes dry and I stare at his form. Good lord. What a view. Ok, he might not be as muscular as before, but still…

"I'm fixing my truck, what does it look like to you?" he asks nonchalantly

I'm still staring and I just can't take my eyes off of his chest. Ughhh, why can't he put a shirt on? I'm sure, I'm sure he is doing this on purpose. Yeah, that's it.

"McNally?" Sam waves a hand in front of my face and I snap out of my haze

"It looks like you are not ready for Hannah's party"

It's clear that my mood has already changed. I went from happy to hypnotized and then to annoyed in two minutes. It's always like that with Sam. Since the beginning.

Sam walks past me, grabs a dirty cloth from the floor and cleans his dirty hand "That's because I'm not"

And that…I want to slap him, how can he be so…so urgghhh, I can't even put my finger on it "I told you, we are going. Now hurry up" I try to sound demanding, because there is no way in hell I'm walking out of here without Sam

"I don't think that's a good idea Andy" he says and motions for me to follow him inside the house

I know. I know what he is thinking. I know why he thinks that's not a good idea. But he can't hide from the world, from his friends, that's wrong "Sam. Nobody is going to stare. Come on, it's Oliver. Your friend. Remember him? Always there when you need him? Ring any bells? So yes, you are going. There is no other option"

Silence fills the room and Sam stares at me. He bents his head like he is ashamed of something. Maybe he is, and he should be. Ashamed because he abandoned his friends.

"Make yourself at home, I'll be back in fifteen" he says before walking to his room to take a bath

I sit and wait. I can hear the water running and all I can remember is how good it was when we would take a shower together. It was just…amazing. Sam running his hands over my body, massaging and kissing my shoulders, my arms, my legs. His hands are so soft. And oh God…I miss that. He was so caring with me, and today…today I feel like doesn't even care if I'm alive or not. Why things had to turn out so bad for us? Stop it Andy, stop. Don't think about that, just don't go there.

If I go on, this will just ruin my day, so I stop

Instead of thinking, I stand and look around his house. It looks empty. Not that there was a lot of furniture here before. Maybe he wasn't expecting to come back from his undercover op. and decided to get rid of some old objects? That's creepy.

But…there are new items here too

I smile when I see a photograph resting on the coffee table. Sam was never one to have picture frames on his house, he always hated taking pictures. Said that was stupid and unnecessary. Coming closer, I realize it's a picture and a letter. The picture is from Sam and Sarah. He is hugging her from behind, kissing her cheek. Sarah looks beautiful, she has blond, long hair, and her clothes are white, from head to toes and her smile…it resembles the one from an angel. Not that I ever saw one. Everything around them is covered in snow. They seem to be in heaven.

Then my eyes move to the letter attached next to it. It's from Sarah to Sam. I know it's wrong, but I can't stop my eyes from reading it.

_Dear Sam, _

_I don't even know where to start. _

_I know you must hate me right now and I don't blame you, but please, give me a chance to explain_

_I should start apologizing from leaving you without saying a word. It must seems like I turned my back on you, but I didn't. It's just…I needed this change. I couldn't live there anymore, I was feeling sad, suffocated and not myself. I haven't been the real me for a while. Since…you know what _

_I just…need to thank you for a lot of things_

_Thank you for everything you have done for me these past few years, I couldn't ask for a better person by my side. Thanks for the countless nights you spent awake by my side, making sure that I wouldn't wake up alone. _

_Thank you for your lame jokes, they made me laugh when I thought that was utterly impossible_

_Thank you for abdicating from your youth to take care of your broken sister, when it should be the other way around, me taking care of you._

_Thanks for not once giving up on me, you were always by side, helping me stand on my own feet_

_And thanks for being you. You, my grouchy brother, is the most kind and amazing person I have ever met. Please, let people see what I see, don't be that annoying ass that I know you can be. Give me nieces, nephews and a nice sister-in-law soon. Hear me? _

_So… I'm sorry ok? I hope you forgive me soon and come visit me. As your older sister, I demand that you come at least twice a month_

_I love you Sam, very very very much._

_It's You and me till the end little brother_

_Sarah Swarek 23/08/1993_

Wow…just…wow. I finish the letter and my eyes are wet. My heart is racing and my hands are trembling. That's so heart breaking.

"I'm ready" Sam says, coming out of his bedroom and pulling me out of my reverie

He stops when he sees what I'm looking at and takes a deep breath. I don't know if he is mad or not. His expression is blank. This man is getting harder and harder to read. Maybe I shouldn't have read that. I knew before I started that I shouldn't have done that. "Sam…I'm sorry, I…I" I try to explain but nothing comes out, I'm stuck.

Sam cuts me before I can make my situation worse "Don't say anything…just…let's go"

Well, that wasn't so bad. It could have been a lot worst. I thought he would yell or say something about this being none of my business. Which I know it's not. Guess I was wrong, because he keeps walking like nothing happened.

* * *

We had barely gotten out of my car when the front door opened and a little girl came running towards Sam, shouting excitedly "Uncle Sammy, you came"

The girl launched herself at Sam and he picked her, dropping a kiss on the tip of her nose "Sure I did, there was no way I was going to miss this awesome party. What's this amazing costume you are wearing?" he said amused.

And really, that just…he looked another person, a true smile on his face and I was amazed to see how it only took a little girl to bring that up.

"I'm a platypus. Just like Perry, from that cartoon we used to watch" Hannah explained, showing her costume proudly

"I can't believe you remember that, I love it" Sam said, tickling her a little

The girl squirmed laughing "Of course I do, I miss that"

"I promise we will do it again soon"

"Like now?" it was evident how happy she was

"No, not like now" Sam said and when he saw her face fall, he explained "just because it's your birthday party, but soon, I promise. Pinky swear" and then he kissed her little fingers

I tried to stifle a giggle, I never thought Sam was the pinky swear kind of guy, all the time we were together I hadn't seen him interacting with a kid, so this was all new to me. And I was loving it

Hannah seemed to accept Sam's explanation and nodded "Ok. Ready to go inside?"

He put her on the ground and turned towards me "Aren't you going to say hi to Andy?"

Just then I remembered that I hadn't said a word, all this time I was standing watching them interact

"Who is she?" Hannah asked, looking a bit shy suddenly

"She is Andy McNally. Works with us…I mean, with your dad"

The girl widened her eyes and grinned at Sam, like she had just discovered something "Ohhhh, she is that girl?"

Sam nodded and threw her a warning glare. I had seen that one before, it was a don't-you-dare-say-anything look "Yeah, she is that girl. So…say hi"

"Hello Andy McNally, I'm Hannah" the girl introduced herself, shaking my hand

"Hi Hannah, nice to meet you. I brought a gift for you, hope you like it" I said, handing her the silver package I was holding

Her face lit up immediately and that made me feel pretty good.

"Thank you very much, I'm going to put that inside" she said, running to the door and disappearing into her house

"What was that Sam? What does she mean…I am that girl?" I asked as soon as my eyes found Sam's

He shrugged and shook his head "What can I say…Hannah and I…we don't have secrets"

What? What was that supposed to mean? Ok, they didn't have secrets…does that mean that she knows everything about us? No…no, it can't be it. Can it? It's Sam, he barely talks about this stuff with his friends, he wouldn't talk about it with a seven years old kid, would he? Arghh, I'm going crazy here

"Let's just go inside" I said, trying to hide my frustration

I started to walk and looked behind me to see if Sam was following. He wasn't. So I turned around and raised an eyebrow, waiting for him to join me.

He looked down and ran a hand through his messy hair "I just…hmmm…thank you for convincing me to come"

His voice was barely audible and for a second I thought I was imagining things, but then he looked up and his lips tugged upwards. So I smiled in return and motioned for us to continue walking

* * *

**Soooo? What do you think? He is getting there...**


	7. Can I?

**Hey everybody, so...here it is another chapter. I hope you like it. the next one there will be a little bit more of Sam and Andy.  
And I want to say thanks for your kind reviews, they made me really happy, really, thank you guys!**

* * *

Andy's P.O.V

It's a beautiful party, seems like everybody is having a great time. And when I say everybody, I mean everybody. Including Sam. Yeah, I'm serious. Not that he is laughing and joking like everybody else, but at least he is not alone in a corner, sulking or something like that. He is sitting with us and every now and then he makes small talk. Nothing too deep or meaningful, but it's something.

"I'm going to grab a beer, you guys want one?" Oliver asks everybody at our table

Everybody cheers and nods and I know it's going to be impossible for Oliver to bring six beers without any help. I'm about to offer to go with him when Sam volunteers "I'll help you brother"

I watch them making their way to the kitchen and part of me hopes that he is not just going to help Oliver, I'm hoping that he will talk to him, fix things between them

Sam's P.O.V

I knew I had to talk to Oliver, McNally was right, he was my best friend, still is. And well, as best friends, he deserves to know at least something, anything about me, about what I'm doing, why did I resigned, why did I ran away for a few days. So, when he asks if anyone wants a beer, I see the perfect opportunity to do that. As we walk to the kitchen, I can feel Andy's gaze following us.

"Here" Oliver says, giving me three bottles he retrieved from the fridge

As I make no motion to pick them, Oliver raises an eyebrow and eyes me carefully

"Oliver…" I start, but nothing else comes out, it's like I don't even know where to start, to be honest…I don't want to start, but I need to, I know I do, so I pinch the bridge of my nose and try again "I'm sorry Oliver"

It's what comes out, and well, it's a start, isn't it? Oliver places the bottles back on the fridge and looks at me "For what?" he says sarcastically

That's a good question. Because I don't really know what I'm sorry for. I haven't really really thought about this "For…hmmm…I'm sorry I haven't been around much?" it comes out more like a question than a statement

He nods and chuckles a bit. I know that's not good, I have seen him doing that when Izzy was arrested "Sorry for not being around?" he mutter under his breath and then continues a little louder "You mean how you resigned from out of nowhere without even telling us? Or…or how you vanished for two weeks and wouldn't pick up your phone? Or for not telling anybody what happened to Sarah? For not letting us help you?" and then his voice changes drastically, it goes from angry to really smooth "We are friends Sam, I was dead sick when I couldn't reach you"

Well, I wanted to tell him I wasn't sorry for most of the stuff he said I should be sorry for, because I wasn't, but that wouldn't help my cause, it would only make things worse, so I let it slide "I'm sorry, I didn't want to worry you"

"But you did, a lot. Me and everybody else. Promise me you won't disappear without telling us first" Oliver asked, or more like demanded, daring me to disagree. I was feeling like one of his kids, and that was…embarrassing, sort of

I shrugged and nodded "I won't, there is nowhere to go now Oliver" now that Sarah isn't here anymore, my whole life is in Toronto, and seeing as I am not working for TPD anymore, I'm done with UC too, so …there is nowhere to go to unfortunately

"I'm sorry for your lost brother, I really am" he offered, placing a friendly hand on my shoulder

"Yeah…me too" That was all I had to say about this topic, I'm not in the mood, will never be in the mood to talk about my sister, nobody can start to understand what this feels like, so yeah…not going to happen

Apparently Oliver knows me very well, because he drops the topic "Thank you for coming today, that was the best gift Hannah could get"

"Hey, don't thank me. It's the least I could do"

"Yeah, you are right, but you owe me drinks too, you know…for all the time we lost" he says jokingly, but deep down, he is serious about that

"Sorry, I don't drink anymore" I said, pointing to the bottle of water I am drinking from

Even though this is a new thing -two days, to be precise- it is true, I have decided to cut the alcohol from my life. It was something Sarah always hated, said it wasn't healthy and that I couldn't drown all my feeling in a bottle. So why not do that for her?

Oliver widens his eyes comically "No way, I can't believe that, are you serious?"

"Yeah, why would I lie?" I say, laughing from his disbelief in me, is that such a strange thing?

"No, not saying that you would lie, I just thought that it might be temporary, you know…because of the pills you are taking, for the…" he explains, motioning to my face, and I understand what he is saying, the pills are part of the reason that I'm not drinking

"Yeah, that too"

"Okay then…but now seriously brother…everything ok with you?" Oliver asks, handing me the three beers once again

This time I take them "Well…I'm…handling?"

With a sharp nod he starts making his way to the backyard where everybody must be waiting impatiently for their drinks "Alright, you know you can come to me if you need, right?"

I know that, Oliver wouldn't turn his back on me, never. No matter what. I couldn't say the same thing about Mc…shhhhhhhhhhh, don't Sam, don't. She had her reasons, whatever they were. It wasn't her obligation to help me that day.

"I'm sorry again" it's the last thing I say before I lay my eyes on Andy and…a boy? What the…?

Andy's P.O.V

I was so concentrated looking at the kitchen window, trying to read Sam's lips, that I didn't notice a man walking towards our table. I was caught by surprise when gentle hands massaged my shoulders

"What…oh…Adam, hi" even if I tried, I couldn't hide my surprise. What is he doing here? Not that I don't want him here. It's just...I don't know. I just know that I wasn't expecting Adam to show up

"Heeeeey you" he kisses my head and sits by my side, the same chair Sam was sitting before

"So, did you like my surprise?" Adam asks excitedly and I can't help but feel a pang of guilty, he is trying really hard to make this work. Problem is…I don't know if I want to. There are times that I think I do, but there are times that I think there is no way this is going to work. I don't feel all that passion with Adam. And it's not really something I can control

But what am I supposed to tell him? That I didn't like his surprise? I can't do that "Sure, it was…surprising?"

He smiles and leans in to kiss me. There is nowhere to run now. Oh well…it's just a kiss, I can do that. I thought I could, but from the corner of my eye I see Sam and Oliver making their way towards us. Great. Thanks universe, really.

And I don't know if it's just my mind playing tricks or what, but I swear, I swear I saw Sam's face changing when he laid his eyes on me and Adam. His smile was replaced by a serious and somber expression. Which was strange, right? He was the one that broke up with me, he is the one that don't even want to be around me anymore. So why is he looking at me with that look?

"Hello, I believe we haven't met before, I'm Adam" Adam extends his hand after Sam hands me a beer

Sam reluctantly shakes Adam's hand and I can see his jaw muscle working full time, clenching and unclenching, that's never a good sign "Swarek" he grunted

"Oh, I have heard stories about you" I know Adam and I know what he is doing. It is his nature, he is trying to be friendly, he likes to make small talk, but well, this time it is Sam on the other side, Sam hates this kind of person

Of course that Sam being Sam, he wasn't willing to be super nice. It didn't surprise me really "Yeah…well"

"So…" Adam motions to Sam's face and well, all I could do was pray that he wouldn't ask what I thought he was going to "What happened to your face? It looks pretty nasty"

Right. Of course he asked that. And oh my God, I just…why Adam? Why?

Impressively enough, Sam doesn't explode, doesn't make any smart ass remark that I know he really wants to, he simply shrugs and turns his back on us "I'm going to say bye to Hannah"

No. He couldn't go, everything was going so well. Seriously, I'm starting to think that there is a major force over our heads that don't want us to be happy. And I don't mean it as a couple, because we aren't anymore

After he left to find Hannah, I made a crappy excuse that I needed to use the bathroom, to find him. It wasn't hard, he was talking to Hannah by the front porch. I waited until she was out of sight

"Why are you leaving?" my tone is everything but nice. I cringe, that is not how it was supposed to come out

Sam crosses his arms over his chest as cocks an eyebrow at me "I have stuff to do" he offers vaguely

Oh, I'm suuure he does. Liar, liar, liar. "Like what? Fix your truck?" Because yeah, that can't wait another hour, I really want to say, but I bit my tong to prevent that from coming out

Sam chuckles and shrugs "Like nothing that concerns you McNally, now please, go back to your friends, your boyfriend or whatever you want to do"

"So that's what this is all about? Adam?" I raise my voice a little, because really...now I'm annoyed. Not that I'm defending Adam, but Sam is kinda being a child about it. Ok, so, the guy asked something that bothered him, but he didn't do it on purpose, he was just…trying to talk

"Whatever suits you better" He replies and makes motion of moving

I place my hand on his chest to stop him and oh my…what a warm feeling. It gives me chills and I can swear Sam feels it too, but he is too good in hiding it, too much time working udercover

"Come on Sam, stay a little longer" It comes out more like a plea, and that's…ugly. I don't want to beg or anything

He takes a deep breath and pinches the bridge of his nose, just like he does when he is trying to remain calm "McNally, I came here to give Hannah a kiss and to talk to Oliver. Now that I've done both, I need to go home and do my things"

"Sam, I know when you are lying. You were fine ten minutes ago and now you claim that you have things to do? C'mon, at least say the truth" I dare him

And well…I guess I went too far, he glares at me and I'm sure he is thinking of a way to kill me without anyone realizing it "Not that it's any of your business, but today is…" he stops suddenly and corrects himself "was…today was Sarah's birthday, her friends are going to reunite to make a celebration, or something like that, and I plan on going. No will you excuse me?" he rudely passes by me, bumping on my shoulder

Ohhh, ok. I didn't know that. I'm pretty sure I have never been so embarrassed in my whole life. All I want to do is find a hole so I can hide my face there for the rest of my life. I don't even know what to say right now, except for "I'm sorry Sam"

He stops by the sidewalk and turns towards me "Nothing I can do about that" he is using that cold and emotionless tone once again

And well…as if I hadn't done enough damage for one day, I blurt an unexpected "Can I go with you?"

Do you know when you are talking with someone and you spill something that wasn't supposed to come out and all of a sudden the whole world stops moving? You want to rewind and erase what you just said because it was just a fleeting thought and you know, you know you weren't supposed to say it? Well, that's what is happening right now. I widen my eyes and clamp a hand over my mouth before I start to ramble "I know it's crazy, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's just that when we were together you mentioned Sarah a couple of times and I never had the chance to meet her and she seemed a nice person, and this would be a way to…I don't know…meet her. Not meet her per say, because well…that can't happen, obviously, but to…get to know her"

Riiight. This is something I tend to do when I'm a pile of nerves. I talk and talk and talk, not even stopping to breathe. It just…comes out, there is nothing I can do to stop that. It's natural. And well, Sam is looking at me in this really weird way. Like he is trying to figure out what did I say

I keep my mouth shut just waiting for him to comprehend everything

"Did you bang your head?" He finally says when he approaches me once again looking for some kind of lump around my head like he really thinks that I hit my head and went crazy

But I didn't, everything I said is true. Even though it was supposed to stay in my mind, I did mean what I said "Shut up Sam, I'm serious. Let me go with you"

He starts shaking his head vigorously before I can even finish. "No" I'm not surprised. I knew he wouldn't agree to that.

"Please?" I give it a one last try. Just because I saw him wavering a little bit before, well…at least I think that's what I saw crossing his face. But since he changed so much in the last year, I'm not so sure that's what really is going on

"Andy, I know what you are trying to do here, it's not going to work, so stop it"

What was he talking about? He lost me a little there. Crazy, crazy man. "What are you talking about?"

"Since I returned from my op. , you are trying to…I don't know…bring the old me back, or something like that, I know you, I know that you want to go today to see once again if you can make me talk about my feelings and all that crap that you believe will do me good. So stop, it's not going to work"

Ohhhhhh, that's what he is talking about? Yeah, he is partially right, I am trying to do all that he said, but I also do want to get to know Sarah a little better, it will help me understand this very very very confusing man "You may be right about some things you said, but I really want to get to know your sister, she seemed a nice person and well, that's the only opportunity I might have, so…please?"

_Please, please, please, please_. That's my inner mantra. I'm chewing on the inside of my cheek and praying that a force from another world will change Sam's mind.

"Okay?" he whispers uncertain of his own decision.

If I wasn't looking to his mouth, I would have thought that this was all inside my head, but I saw his lips moving, I saw it. And I felt his breath washing my face too. Apparently, miracles can happen. Yay!

* * *

**So...what do you think? If you feel like it, leave e review...**


	8. Ouch

**Hello eeveryone...I know I haven't posted in a while and I'm sorry for that, it won't happen again**

**Hope you enjoy this chapter **

"WOW"…yeah, that's the first word that left my lips after I stepped inside the room.

When Sam first mentioned that Sarah's friends were reuniting, I thought it would be a small thing, you know…a few friends around a table, eating and making small talk. Oh boy, I was wrong, completely and utterly wrong.

"Sam…?" I ask, not really knowing what I want to say

He gulps and looks at me, clearly he had no clue that this reunion was going to be this big too "I…I didn't know" and then, he mutters an almost inaudible "shit"

His shoulders are incredibly tense. I know how much Sam hates this kind of thing, and I am one hundred percent sure that if it wasn't for his sister, he wouldn't be here, he hates crowded places and huge parties.

"Should we go inside or…?" I tug at the hem of his shirt softly, trying to wake him from his daze

There is a pause and a deep breath, then he nods and motions for me to follow him. I can't help but notice how he makes a motion to put one hand on the small of my back but gives up when he realizes what he was about to do and keeps his hands to himself. To be honest, I miss that kind of thing, it was so natural and so comforting.

* * *

After spending a good amount of time just walking around and chatting with a few people, Sam decided it was time to go. I could see in his face that he was dead tired

"Hey…hmmm, listen, I don't think we should hit the road right now. It's raining, I'm tired and it's late, so is it ok if we wait until tomorrow?" Sam asks me when we reach his truck

"Oh, yeah, sure. Do you know a nice motel we can stay the night?" and I don't know why, but suddenly I'm nervous, maybe it's the prospect of spending a night with Sam, not that we would be together in that kind of way, but still…

He looks at me and ponders for a while before shaking his head "We don't need one"

Wait, hold on a second… WHAT? What does that even mean? "You plan on sleeping inside the truck? Look, I'm sorry to break it to you Sam, but I don't think that's a god idea"

Sam looks at me like I'm crazy and then shakes his head without saying another word, like he didn't even hear me, this just…drives me crazy, but as he climbs in his truck there's nothing left to do but follow him, it's not like I know anything around here, I can't just look for a place by myself

After driving for fifteen minutes in silence we stop in front of a house, it's not a big one, in fact it's pretty small, every light is off and it looks like nobody is living there. I start to wonder what we are doing here when Sam talks to me "Let's go"

I turn to look at him to question who owns this place and there's this pained look on his face. All of a sudden I understand where we are "Sam, is this…Sarah's?"

It takes him less than a second to recover and when he does he shrugs "Something like that, her belongings are packed and the house is empty, but we are not staying inside the house per say, just…follow me"

Sam stops in front of a door and unlocks it, he turns on the light and opens another door, the one that leads to the basement "A basement?" I wonder out loud, not that I'm complaining -because I'm not- but this is a little strange, it would be much easier to rent a room, wouldn't it?

"Geez, don't need to sound so excited" Sam kind of teases me, while making his way downstairs

"No, no, don't get me wrong Sam, I just think it would be comfier to stay in a motel, with a bed, a shower, you know, that kind of thing…" I don't get a chance to finish my rambling because as I get downstairs I'm taken by surprise with what I see

"What, cat got your tongue?" He looks so smug that I almost want to slap him

Okay, so…how was I supposed to know that there was a bed, a TV, a bathroom and everything else you need in a basement? It wasn't a very common thing, not my fault

"This is a hell of a basement, hun? I've never seen one like this before, your sister lived here?" I ask, trying to understand why Sarah –who wasn't married or anything like that- would have a house and a basement that was almost like another house

"Nop, not Sarah" it's what Sam offers me, not what I wanted

"So is it ok if we use someone else's things?" I dig a little further

Sam opens a drawer a retrieves a clean t shirt "isn't it a little bit obvious that I'm the one who used to live here, McNally?"

And ok, I really don't know how that thought never crossed my mind, thinking about it, I feel pretty dumb "I'm sorry, but I don't know much about your sister, and you never mentioned this place before, so…" it comes out a little harsher than I intended, but well, it's true

For a moment I think he is going to snap or leave me here talking alone, but no, he offers me an explanation "When Sarah bought the house she made this room for me, for whenever I needed and working on it was a way she found to distract her mind of other things... I used to hang out here after an undercover job or when she wasn't feeling so good and needed me, which was very common"

So, that took me by surprise, I wasn't expecting it at all since the last few weeks Sam was hardly talking to me or anyone else

"Were you here that week that nobody could find you anywhere?" I ask him, enjoying that he seems to be willing to talk about this kind of thing

First he just nods but then adds "You know…I just needed some time alone to understand… first Jerry and then Sarah. Turns out I didn't understand anything"

His voice is so soft and vulnerable that I don't understand what's happening here, I don't think I have ever seen Sam looking like this before. But I'm not about to protest either, it's the opportunity I've been waiting for

"I'm so sorry Sam, for not being there when you needed. You don't know how sorry I am"

He dismisses my apologies with a wave of his hand and offers me a sad smile "Don't worry about it, I'm a big boy, it's not the first time I went through hard times alone. I always made it alive and it's not going to be different this time"

"But it shouldn't be like this Sam" I say, pacing the room "Everybody needs, deserves, someone to count on during bad times"

Suddenly he is right in front of me, grabbing my shoulders to keep me still "That's how it is Andy, but stop worrying"

I breath and count to ten before I speak again "It's not anymore, I wasn't here before but I'm here now, you like it or not"

Sam releases my shoulder and shakes his head "Trust me, it's better if you stay away"

"Don't say that, it's not true"

"You don't know half of my story Andy, let's just…forget this ok?" He says, looking down and then turns to leave me alone once again

This time it was my turn to hold him, I wasn't going to let Sam walk away this time, we started this and we would finish it, it took me a long time to get here and I wouldn't simply give up

"Drop it McNally" Sam growls, clenching and unclenching his jaw, probably trying to remain calm

The thing is…I am not going to drop it "No! I don't understand why do you have to push people away, why don't you let people get close to you?"

He snorts, looks behind me and mumbles an almost inaudible "yeah, because that worked out just fine"

"What do you mean?" I ask, knowing that this is my best chance to get an answer from him

Apparently, I am right. "You even have to ask? First my mother, then Jerry, you and Sarah. I am tired of watching everybody that gets close to me, that I really care, go away. So please…just…stay away, it will be better. For you. For me"

"Stop it Sam. I didn't go away, I am not going anywhere, I am here, aren't I?" I say, trying to make him see what's in front of him

"Please Andy, you are here because you feel guilty. And I don't even know why you feel that way. After what I did to you, the last person you should want to be around is me" he snaps, losing his calm

I raise my voice too "You are right, you did hurt me, and it still hurts, but I don't care anymore Sam, because I know that if the roles were reverse you would never, ever, turn your back on me, and that's what I did to you when you came to my place. I am not doing that again. Understand?"

Sam closes his eyes and his voice goes dangerously low "Andy, after Jerry died you tried to talk to me, a lot… and you know that that didn't go very well, actually… it went horribly bad, we ended up…no, I ended up breaking up with you, which wasn't my intention, it was a mistake, so please, stop"

Hun? Did I hear him right? My heart is about to jump out of my chest, from all the things Sam could have said, that was the only one I wasn't expecting, it's not like he showed any kind of regret for breaking up with me.

I take two steps back and my legs collide with the bed. Sit, I need to sit. I need time to process all this.

There is movement in front of me and I see Shaking his head and muttering something I can't understand, but I'm pretty sure it's not happy words. He grabs a jacket, his keys and then leaves

I can hear Sam closing the front door and he doesn't sound happy at all.

For the next hour I am all alone. There is not a sign of Sam and I don't know if I feel relieved or worried.

I just don't know what to say to him, until this point it was pretty clear for me that Sam didn't regret the decision of leaving me. How was I supposed to know how he felt about this? He went undercover, then he came back and wouldn't look me in the face. That's not what regret looks like

Then I think about Adam and what the heck are we doing together? Sure, he is a great guy, but everybody knows he isn't the one for me.

My head starts to hurt and I massage my eyes to ease the pain

I don't know how long it takes, but finally I hear Sam arriving. He goes to the bathroom and doesn't even look at me, it's like I am not in the same room as he. I guess I can't blame him.

Five minutes later he reappears, clean and dry.

"You can sleep on the bed, I'm good on the couch" He said, using that same cold tone that he used when he came back from the undercover job this last time

What have I done?

"Sam, we are adults, we can share the bed"

There wasn't an answer to that, Sam just took his shirt of and laid down, which was ridiculous, the couch was visibly smaller than him

"I'm sorry for reacting the way I did" I say, after a few minutes of silence. I know I wouldn't get any minute of sleep if I didn't apologize

Sam shuffles on the couch and sits abruptly. He looks so annoyed that I try to remember if I have ever seen him looking like this.

Nop. Have not.

"And you should be. Wasn't it you that wanted to talk? Wanted answers or whatever it was that you were looking for? So, yeah. Interesting, the minute I open my mouth to say what you were craving to hear for weeks, you freeze, you sit there looking like a fool, and then…nothing" Sam says, looking at me with those piercing brown eyes. It scares me a little, he is so intense sometimes

He is waiting, I can see that. He expects me to say something, anything. Maybe because of my allergy to silence he so much used to talk about. Guess what? I have nothing to say, I'm kind of paralyzed

I can feel my whole body sweating because I don't know what to say to that "Hmmm…I-I-I" I stutter, struggling to find words that might ease the situation but nothing comes

And then Sam lies down again, not before throwing a few more words for me " Next time, before you chase me looking for answers, just make sure you are ready to hear everything I have to say"

Ouch

"Wait, that's not what happened…" I protest poorly

Sam pulls a blanket over his body, makes himself comfortable, closes his eyes and smiles "Yup. Try to convince yourself of that"

* * *

**So, what do you think? Leave a review if you feel like it**


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